#57 - Hey, Mom

Hey Mom,

It's your daughter again. No, not Kiana. The other one. Last time I saw you, you mixed us up. Never going to let that go. It's been a little over a year since my last letter and a lot's happened, so I'll try and keep it brief. Funny, I say that as if I know how much time you have on your hands where you are. I have no idea if you're even getting these letters, and if you are, your English kinda sucks so I don't know how much of this you even understand. Maybe I'm writing them more for myself than you.

So, first thing's first: I am officially a little over 7'2" (or a little under 7'3", depending on who you ask) and growing. Last time I saw you ten years ago, my growth spurt hadn't even started and you seemed huge at 6'3". If you saw me now, you'd probably be like "Merda! Come è cresciuta così alta mia figlia?" I never imagined I'd ever get this tall, though it still doesn't concern me as much as it probably should. My height crosses my mind about as often as any other ordinary person thinks about their height. The way I see it I'm not tall, everything around me is undersized.

Kiana is as neurotic and superficial as she's always been. The few conversations we do have she spends hassling me about my physical well-being. She's a Hollywood production manager so getting bent-out-of-shape about shit is basically her job. We're still in semi-regular contact, and yes, we still hate each other—even more than last time you saw us. If I'm honest, though, I'm a little jealous of her success (mainly her money). I personally think she should try smoking weed, but given the Ciccone track record with substance abuse, I can see why she might pass on that. No, she doesn't have a boyfriend. Dad thinks she's a lesbian. Dad is an idiot.

Haven't heard from Dad in a while. Don't know what he's up to and I don't care. He knows I don't want to talk to him, but he keeps talking me up to everyone (thanks Facebook) and sending money for food. I appreciate it, just like I appreciate Kiana's monthly marijuana stipend. I guess that's our family's version of love.

Back to me. After the team USA fiasco, I intended to get away from volleyball for a bit. I got a lead for a job at the writing center at Northshore University (midwest USA) and took them up on it. But fate happened, and I ended up as an assistant volleyball coach—so much for getting away. Coaching did not and has not come easily to me. I have a hard time relating to the players and the head coach is a piece of work. I got ejected arguing with an official (that famous 'Ciccone temper') but managed to not lose my job over it. In the end, NU volleyball had the best year they've had in almost a decade and got second in our conference, but we were eliminated in the first round of the playoffs. Overall, I'll call it a success.

I have two roommates now. I wish you could meet them. I'd be curious to get your impressions. You were always good at sizing people up.

Krysta is inexplicably both an internet topless model with gigantenormous tits and a Mensa-level pretty-much-everything-except-thinking-like-a-normal-human genius. She owns the house and knows almost everything about everybody who lives in it. Given all that, you'd be surprised how normal she is. Her biggest issue? She needs to get laid baaaaaaaad. She's had a couple prospects come up lately, but no catches (yet). I'm hoping for the best because she needs something else to drive herself nuts over besides her website numbers.

Alicia is a riot. She's a geeky blonde fitness nut whose remarkable lack of social grace keeps her straddling the line between endearing and annoying. She's an internet model too—the girl's got muscles on top of muscles—and when she's not in the gym, she's watching anime or streaming herself live making costumes. Oh, and she also apparently did voice acting for this one anime porn show. There's so much going on there that I wonder what she's hiding. Krysta thinks she has Asberger's, but I have a different theory. I'll get back to you on that.

More about me? Sure.

Thanks to a series of poor decisions (yes, involving marijuana) I'm back on the national radar. Turns out the internet has a special place for videos of a giant black girl singing karaoke with a musclebound cosplay princess and an ultra-busty Asian chick. We've gotten inquiries from everyone from Buzzfeed to TMZ to, unsurprisingly, a bunch of 'size fetish' porn sites. I'm hoping Krysta has a plan for handling this. I don't trust Alicia to strategize anything.

What else? I've heard rumblings 'round the house about getting a pet (hell-to-the-no). Two of my old U-18 USA Volleyball teammates are suddenly in contact again I'm not looking forward to figuring out why. Creepy messages soliciting for photos, escorting, and 'foot talk' are still running strong. I haven't had a haircut in probably four years. Oh, and there are currently naked pictures of me and my roommates in an art gallery.

Hope things are good where[ever] you are. I'll see you again someday.

-Whitley Valentine-Ciccone

◄#captianalici